Twinkle, twinkle, times 1,000

By John Kasun

(Something a little different to bring a smile to your day!)

It’s December and my wife is constantly scurrying throughout the house like an elf on steroids. There is not a mouse in sight as they know they will get sprayed with artificial snow and sprinkled with glitter. My wife is very creative and does an excellent job with decorations and accents at any time of the year but at Christmas she goes over the top.

            We have four Christmas trees. Two inside and two outside, plus wreaths on every door and one man eating wreath over the fireplace. We have enough garland on stair rails, china closet tops and tables to make our own football field with enough left over for a small putting green.

            Now those are just the decorations that catch your eye, the real secret is the tiny accents that are all over the house like snipers in camo hiding in plain sight. There are crystal Christmas trees and tiny reindeer hidden in the garland with handmade Christmas figures on the mantel and planter. Some with staffs and nightcaps, all with long flowing beards. On the inside of the front door hangs a set of sleigh bells that must weigh 20 pounds each and when the door opens it sounds like you have been trapped inside a church bell tower. I feel like a newly hired elf trying to find his way around the north pole workshop on his first day at work.

            Oh! Don’t forget the lights, we have plenty of lights and we have upgraded to a high-tech Christmas. My wife has half the lights on remote controls which I truly appreciate. Instead trying to coordinate a half a dozen timers my wife can now simply use her remote to control the light displays as desired. Because we live rurally I suggested we put the lights on a motion detector so they only came on when someone approached the house. I figured we could save money on the electric bill and because we live in the woods most of the squirrels and deer have already seen the decorations. My wife did not see the humor in my remarks. I must admit that my wife is truly remarkable. The other day she walked through our family room, which has so many lights that twice last week planes tried to land thinking it was an airport, and without hesitating pointed to the Christmas tree saying, “There is a light out on the top right hand side of the tree.” It took me 20 minutes to find the light in question. From past experience I knew if I touched that one light bulb a whole string might go out. Instead, I just wrapped it with a piece of green tape hoping it would blend in and she wouldn’t notice.   

            In additional to the regular electric controlled lights on remotes she also installed numerous battery operated lights on wreaths and garlands which have built-in timers and controls by which you can select numerous lighting modes. She has done an excellent job with these lights because I swear that just as the suns dips over the mountain behind our house all the wreaths twinkle on.

            After our house was decorated in every nock and cranny and even crannies I didn’t know we had, my wife filled in the “vacant” spots with battery operated candles. I don’t want to say we have a lot of those candles but just in case you have been shopping for them and can’t find them, I think I know where they all are. I must admit these things are beautiful but they remind me a lot like the machine guns Sylvester Stallone uses in his Rambo movies, the ones where there is a close up of the floor with empty shells falling in large piles. Those piles of falling shells look a lot like the pile of used batteries in my office as I try to keep all the candles lit and twinkling.

            From our home to yours in this Holiday Season my wife Sandy and I wish you all a truly Merry and Blessed Christmas.

This article was originally published, December 2021:

PENNlines – Punchlines