Author: Kwizera Rulinda
There are many studies that show a link between stress and how marriages are doing. It is clear that stress leads to difficulties in marriage and that difficulties in marriage can be major stressors that can lead to depression. When stressed out, most people give others less benefit of the doubt and are quicker
to react to frustrations with their partners. A fair number of studies suggest that stress leads to the partners ’ doing more of what we call the Communication Danger Signs. That negativity, in turn, diminishes the happiness and closeness that two people have together. All kinds of stress can fit this pattern. One that has been studied particularly well is economic strain. When couples are under financial pressure — such as feeling that there is just not enough money coming in to pay the bills — the partners become more negative with each other, damaging the marriage. Rand Conger at the University of California, Davis, and his colleagues have demonstrated this pattern in numerous studies over the past couple of decades. Just when you need to be most supportive of each other, stress can lead you to turn against each other. You ’ ll want to be particularly on guard against the danger signs when one or both of you is undergoing extra stress. Work hard during those times to be teammates against the stress rather than opponents against each other.
God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. 1 Corinthians 14:33 (KJV)
For High – Conflict Couples with Children
For those of you who have children, the stakes involved with your managing conflicts well are very high indeed. Research, such as that conducted by Robert Emery and colleagues of the University of Virginia and Mark Cummings and colleagues at Notre Dame, has documented strong links between parents ’ conflict and adjustment problems for children. Kids become more sad, angry, and fearful when regularly exposed to destructively handled conflict. This is one of the clearest and most consistent findings in the social science literature. (It ’ s also important to realize that children are usually more aware of what is going on between their parents or stepparents than the adults think.)
That children can be harmed by how their parents handle disagreements has led many to conclude that these children would be better off if their parents split up.
However, many Destructive Patterns of these children are hurt by how their parents fight, regardless of whether or not they stay together. What we mean by that is that these children don ’ t really do that much better if their parents divorce, because their parents still have not learned the skills to handle conflict in a healthy way. Another downside to poorly managed conflict around children is this. If parents tend regularly to make negative interpretations of each others ’ motivations and behavior, their children learn to do the same in relation to their peers ’ behavior. Further, for some couples, escalation takes them closer to the line between awful emotional patterns and physical aggression. These patterns thus raise the stakes forever for everyone in the home. So, what can you do? Disagree, but don’t fight nasty. If you have a conflict in your children ’ s presence, use Time Out to bring things to a better place as quickly as possible. Also let them see you coming back together — they often can ’ t see how you do that because many couples make up behind closed doors. As far as your children ’ s well – being is concerned, coming back to some point of emotional harmony is more important than resolving whatever it was you were fighting about. So do your kids a favor. Work together to manage your conflicts well and with respect.
“The purpose of removing a rib from Adam in the creation of the woman was not to form a biologically compatible creature, for that could have been accomplished with more dust; the purpose was to create kinship. ”